(Not) Doing the Thing (Yet)

Recently I had a great catch-up with my close friend from college. I had wanted to see her in particular before I moved. She’s the type of friend who always makes you feel rejuvenated and wonderful.

We got to chatting about post-grad life and how our pre-grad expectations of it were dead wrong (lol).

In that great conversation she said one thing in particular that really stuck with me on my cold walk home.

“I thought you had already moved to Chicago months ago.”

We had last met up in October, shortly after the end of my first post-grad job in Boston. I filled her in on the Events That Went Down™ and enthusiastically declared I was making it my mission to move to Chicago. The Events That Went Down™, of course, being a sign that this is what the universe was telling me to do.

Unfortunately, the universe was teasing me because she’s silly. Little did I know how long I’d have to wait for my dream (Editing note here: This is a little overdramatic… it’s been 5 months, girl, but proceed).

If you know me then you know walking is where all of my thoughts, emotions, and feelings come out. It’s my meditation. The unlocking of my Pandora’s box if you will.

“I thought you had already moved to Chicago months ago.”

Was it weird I felt this crazy sensation of embarrassment?

These bottomless feelings of falling short within yourself.

The dreaded Shame Spiral.

I’ve been trying! I promise! My God, I’ve been trying!

But still, despite my own knowledge that I have been putting in all my efforts, a wave of shame hit me. So much time has passed, and I still have not Done The Thing. I’m in the same spot. Same apartment. Same situation.

It’s such a strange feeling. It almost dances on inadequacy.

Right? I mean why haven’t I moved already? Is there something inherently wrong with me? Am I lazy? Severely unqualified? Not appealing?

Not destined for it?

Why hasn’t it happened?

Will it ever happen?

And then I got to thinking: Why did that simple, harmless statement stick with me?

In the rest of our catching-up conversation we talked about what other people were doing. Where they found themselves, who they were with, what job they landed, etc. I was happy to hear so many great things about others! I love when life works out for people and they find themselves in their groove. It’s inspiring and reminds me that life always has a way of working out.

But subconsciously (so subconscious it took 13 degree wind gusts on that walk home to pry this out of myself), it placed a comparison bug within myself.

They Did The Thing…so why haven’t I?

Was I wrong for having this feeling? Doubting the ability of myself simply because of the opportunities of others? Is it selfish?

When is it my time?

So I texted my cousin. He has been wanting to move to NYC for years but hasn’t gotten the right opportunity to place himself there quite yet. Nevertheless, he’s been trying.

We chatted about the emotions I was flooded with on my walk. We shared common feelings and stories.

And I discovered our one similarity, our one shared truth:

We both had this big mapped out plan of securing our dream job, moving, and boom: happiness.

But instead of us achieving that in this fixed timeframe we magically set, roadblocks happened. And while we dealt with those roadblocks (because let’s face it that’s life and that’s okay), other people happened to get to their job-moving-boom-happiness moment. So by comparison, we feel slow. We feel inadequate.

Comparison really is the thief of happiness, huh?

Not to mention this sensation that my progress isn’t good enough because I haven’t reached my goal yet. That somehow I’m supposed to magically Do The Thing without any of the steps before ‘Doing.’

Not good enough. Come back when you’ve got it in the palms of your hands and you’ve decorated it with your ownership.

That’s all things like that are, though: Sensations. Ways in which your brain gets to you before your heart can.

It’s when you have to remind yourself that there is no deadline. There is simply what you’re doing and that’s perfect.

I’m honestly saying this for myself more than anything.

There’s also this expectation that immediately post-grad you should be doing nothing but paving your road to success. Playing hopscotch with only forward momentum in your designated path. Anything besides that is embarrassing, wrong, and failing. But just like healing, progress isn’t linear. It’s like scribbles on a piece of paper sometimes. And that’s okay. It’s like a NASCAR pitstop. Theoretically it slows down their time, sure, but in the long run it’s absolutely necessary for winning.

On the bright side, the Chicago comment gave me motivation to keep trying so #win. Maybe I’m being overdramatic, or maybe, juuust maybe, my emotions are valid and completely fine to feel.

Yeah, I like that one better.

Speak to yourself kindly all the times, but especially when you need yourself most.

My feelings as of lately have been so complicated. That’s for another piece.

Thanks for tuning in. I’m glad to be back. Updates coming soon and such.

You’re so loved.

Xoxo,

Alli